If you're anything like me right now, in these most uncertain and confusing times, you probably want to hear something like this:
"It's gonna be OK."
"All this suffering is temporary and will end."
"We will come out of this better, stronger and more aware than before."
The truth is, that's what I'm telling myself.
It's what's on my internal radio station!
You see, I actually spent last a few months in a voluntary isolation.
I wasn't sick or hurt, but I was going through something that I couldn't explain, nor deny mentally or physically.
All of 2019 my familiar and seemingly unshakable ideas, roles and identities were dissolving. My thoughts, beliefs, stories, habits, patterns, relationships and even work were suddenly up for questioning by some internal force I've never felt before. The world stopped making sense and I found myself in a goo of unknown and uncomfortable.
Even though I bravely and courageously fought this Process for months, attempting to hold on to what I thought I knew, eventually, tired and overwhelmed, I surrendered to it.
I removed myself from people, tasks and even my clients, and spent most of my days isolated and alone at home or in Nature.
(see some parallels?)
At the time, something was unfolding within me. Something was coming through that I think was there all along, but I had no access to because I was so busy not listening, but talking; not being, but doing; not allowing, but demanding.
I didn't plan on this isolation.
I didn't see it coming.
And I certainly wasn't looking forward to it!
Yet some things happen whether our minds believe them to be necessary, fitting or desirable.
This past Winter, everything I knew began to dissolve right before my eyes (mainly my constructed sense of Self) and I had no choice but to go with it and go into it.
I learned some incredible lessons along the way and some I find very timely for the predicament we find ourselves in today, in this communal self-isolation.
1. The More We Fight it, the More it Hurts.
Years ago I heard Wayne Dyer say: Suffering = Pain x Resistance.
He was so right!
When I was resisting, fighting, and trying to control the Process I was in, the pain, grief and confusion were suffocating. I found myself lost and full of doubts every single day. It was excruciating.
After weeks of battling myself, exhausted and weak I finally gave up and the most miraculous thing happen - the Process began to move through me, delivering answers, insights and tools along the way. Everything I needed began to appear and within days I was feeling light and peaceful for the first time in months.
And naturally, every time I would attempt to control or resist what was happening, all the pain and confusion would come right back, reminding me that I've gone astray.
Pause. Allow. Surrender. Begin to trust yourself and the unfolding.
2. Change is the Only Constant.
The most painful moments that would send me into bouts of crying were the ones where I believed that I will always be this confused, scared, overwhelmed and utterly incapable of doing anything but barely breathe my way through the day.
Thankfully, I remembered my late Buddhist Teacher saying: It's like this now.
And now. And now.
Whatever was happening in the moment was only valid in that moment. Moments change and with them my experience. It's only when I held on to the current experience and made up stories about it that I felt despair and loss.
This too will end, so don't rush out of it. Let it open you more than ever.
3. All the Answers are Already Within Us.
In the beginning, I spent much of my time looking for ways to fix myself.
I've attempted a number of techniques, listened to multiple motivational speakers and read inspiring books to get me through the 'tough times'.
It wasn't until I ran out of books, courses (and curses) and by that time money and energy, that I stopped trying to make it better and just surrendered to it.
Interestingly enough, once I got quiet, once I stopped doing and fixing and working on it, the only thing left was the Truth the the only source of answers, guidance and truth is within me.
When I allowed the Process to guide me, when I stopped fighting and controlling it, I was shown tools, skills and ways to access this Inner Wisdom at any time. And today I'm grateful to feel peace, calm and quiet confidence even amidst the current events.
Listen to your Inner Guidance. It's the only source of true answers.
May you find clarity and relief in these challenging times.